There’s often an idea that men don’t engage with counselling, that they don’t talk about how they feel, or that they only reach out when things have gone too far … and whilst there can be some truth in that at times, it hasn’t quite matched what I’ve come to see.
Through my own experiences of counselling; through working with dads in both one-to-one and group settings; and through more focused research around men’s mental health I have often found that it looks less like men aren’t reaching out, and more like they are doing so in ways that aren’t always recognised or met.
Becoming a dad … where is the support?
Becoming a father can be life changing, and in many ways deeply meaningful, but it can also bring with it a level of pressure, responsibility, and an ‘internal shift’ that isn’t always spoken about.
There’s something that happens in the transition into fatherhood – a movement in identity, in how a man sees himself, and in what is needed from him – and alongside that there can be a sense that he is now someone who is expected to hold things together, often without much space to process what that is actually like. Anecdotally and personally this seems like a constant truth.
Support is, quite rightly, often centred around mums and children, but the experience of fathers – what it brings up emotionally, psychologically, practically and relationally – can go largely unspoken, and so many dads find ways to carry that within themselves as best they can, without reaching out.
What we’ve learned about (not) dealing with things
For many men, talking openly about how they feel hasn’t always been something that was encouraged growing up, and instead there has often been a quiet learning to deal with things themselves, to stay steady, and to keep moving forward without making too much of what is going on internally.
I tend to see these ways of being not as something to undo, but as something that has often been useful – particularly when navigating the ongoing demands and responsibilities that come with being a dad – whilst also recognising that they shape how support is sought and approached.
When something becomes difficult – whether that is stress, relationship challenges, or a sense of feeling overwhelmed – it does not always lead to talking about it, but instead to trying to manage it internally, to push through, or to carry it in a way that allows life to continue on the surface.
How reaching out for counselling support can actually look
When I reflect on the dads I have worked with, alongside my own experiences, reaching out does not always look like contacting a counsellor or speaking openly about what’s going on.
More often, it can begin in quieter ways – a sense that things feel a little harder to hold, a shorter fuse than usual, a tendency to withdraw, or an increased focus on work or distractions – and whilst these may not immediately be recognised as such, they can be early expressions that something is asking for attention.
I have seen this quite clearly within the group work I run with dads, particularly those who are newer to support group work, where there can be an initial hesitancy to speak, or a sense of not quite knowing what to say, and then, as the space begins to settle, something can shift.
There is often a moment where one dad hears another speak and recognises something of himself in it, and in that recognition there can be a quiet but noticeable softening – a sense that perhaps he is not the only one finding it difficult at times, and that what he is experiencing is not something he has to carry on his own.
It is a subtle moment, but an important one, as it moves something from isolation towards a sense of shared experience and belonging.
When support doesn’t quite fit
From this perspective, counselling can sometimes feel like a space that does not quite fit, at least initially – it can feel unfamiliar in how it asks someone to be, perhaps particularly … men.
Coming into a space where there is an invitation to talk about oneself, where attention is given to how things are internally, and where there is not always an immediate sense of direction or solution, can feel unclear or even slightly exposing, particularly if it is not something that has been experienced before.
When I consider this alongside the wider picture, it begins to make more sense: –
In the UK, men account for around three quarters of all suicide deaths, and are also significantly less likely to engage with talking therapies compared to women, and rather than pointing to something being wrong with men, it suggests that there may be a gap between how support is offered and how it is experienced. So the question begins to shift, away from why dads do not come to counselling, and towards how counselling might better meet dads where they are.
This is less seen (by those in the research sector and on the front line of working with men) as something that needs to be fixed, and more as something to be understood, and adapted to.
How I tend to work with dads
My approach is grounded in a person-centred way of being, which places what is brought, and how the space is used, at the centre of the work, whilst also recognising that different people will want to engage with that space in different ways.
For some dads, this may mean having the time and space to talk things through and make sense of what is going on internally, without pressure or judgement, whereas for others there can be a preference for something a little more structured, where particular situations are explored more directly, and ways of approaching things differently can be developed. There is room for both within how I work.
In practice, that can include:
- Taking time to understand what is going on, at a pace that feels manageable;
- Working together to identify what feels important or needs attention;
- Bringing in structure or focus where that feels useful;
- Simply allowing space to talk, without needing anything to be fixed.
The intention is to create a space that is both open and responsive, whilst also being collaborative in a way that feels grounded and useful.
If counselling has been on the mind
It’s not uncommon for dads to think about counselling for some time before reaching out, sometimes for months, sometimes longer – and if that is where things are, then that is completely OK.
There is no need to have things figured out beforehand, no requirement to be in crisis, and no expectation of knowing how this should look. A starting point can simply be where things are now.
If you’re curious about starting counselling sessions with me, or simply want to ask a few questions before deciding, you’re very welcome to get in touch. You can contact me via email on cj@cjadams.co.uk, by text or phone on 07922 158720, or by filling out my contact form here – and we can explore together whether counselling feels like a good fit for you right now.
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